Marriage Has Been...
A faith walk.
My husband and I have just made it through our first year of marriage and let me tell you, it's NOTHING like I expected. I walked into this marriage thinking I had it all figured it out. But, let me tell you, God humbled me real quick! Each and every day I am getting to know my husband more and more and I can finally say after 1 year, 3 months and 13 days of this thing called, "marriage," I am now understanding what it means to be a "wife." Growing up Haitian, you're taught that the "perfect wife" cooks daily for her husband, bares children for him, the house is always clean when he comes home and no matter what is going on, no matter how you feel; you support your husband. No one talks to you about the days that you no longer want to be married; how do you push past those feelings? No one talks to you about what it means to be a servant to your partner. No one goes into depth of what it means to submit to your spouse, beyond what the English dictionary says. These are a few advice's that I wish I received before jumping the broom. Hopefully, it blesses someone that has marriage on the brain, someone that doesn't want to get married because they've never seen a positive example or someone that will soon be walking down the aisle.
My husband and I have just made it through our first year of marriage and let me tell you, it's NOTHING like I expected. I walked into this marriage thinking I had it all figured it out. But, let me tell you, God humbled me real quick! Each and every day I am getting to know my husband more and more and I can finally say after 1 year, 3 months and 13 days of this thing called, "marriage," I am now understanding what it means to be a "wife." Growing up Haitian, you're taught that the "perfect wife" cooks daily for her husband, bares children for him, the house is always clean when he comes home and no matter what is going on, no matter how you feel; you support your husband. No one talks to you about the days that you no longer want to be married; how do you push past those feelings? No one talks to you about what it means to be a servant to your partner. No one goes into depth of what it means to submit to your spouse, beyond what the English dictionary says. These are a few advice's that I wish I received before jumping the broom. Hopefully, it blesses someone that has marriage on the brain, someone that doesn't want to get married because they've never seen a positive example or someone that will soon be walking down the aisle.
1. Premarital counseling; is a type of therapy that helps couples prepare for marriage. "Premarital counseling can help ensure that you and your partner have a strong, healthy relationship — giving you a better chance for a stable and satisfying marriage."
- Although my husband and I did NOT do premarital counseling, I would definitely advise any engaged couple to look into it. We jumped into this thinking that we knew everything, nothing and no one could come in between our relationship. This was a lie. It is perfectly okay to invite an experienced, non-biased, professional into your relationship if the goal is to make sure you have a long-lasting marriage. It is perfectly okay to tell someone that you and your partner don't have all of the answers.
2. Being a wife goes beyond the kitchen
- If that's all it took, a lot of marriages would survive, right? How simple, cook a meal every day and he'll be completely content. I wish! My husband quickly taught me that he could care less about the hot meals. Instead, he shows me that he needs a wife that is present emotionally, spiritually and physically. A wife that encourages him and gives him hope and reminds him that he is still a man, even on the days that he feels like he isn't. A wife that knows how to get on her knees and talk to God about him when he doesn't feel like talking to God himself.
3. Marriage is a mirror that shows you all the good and ugly things about yourself
- Who you walked into the marriage as is not who you will be in the marriage. Just like any healthy relationship; it should force you out of your comfort zone and force you to grow. For me, I hated my husband the first year of our marriage because he quickly started uncovering all the parts of me that I hate to analyze. Every time I showed myself to be perfect, had it all together and knew it all, he showed me otherwise. Teaching me every day that self-love comes from self-evaluation and accepting the fact that you're not perfect nor will you ever be and that's perfectly okay for the right person.
4. Fight together, not each other
- Unless you realize that the enemy hates marriage and will do everything in his power to deceive you into thinking that your partner is the enemy, you will be throwing shots at the wrong person. After you get married you will start to argue about things that were never even in your mind. Why? Because the enemy knows that if he can break the bond, if he can weaken the foundation, if he can manipulate you into thinking, "this was a mistake, I hate him/her," it's easier for him to win. He knows that you and your spouse have a divine purpose together, that you and your spouse can/will break generational curses so he will make it his mission to destroy your marriage.
5. Despite what anyone says, YOU, the wife is in control of your household
- I am now learning that yes, my husband may pay most of the bills. Yes, he delegates, corrects the children and he is the first line of defense. But, let me tell you, and my husband can attest to this; if I am not okay, no one else in the house is okay. If I walk in the door upset, negative and moody; everyone in the house suddenly becomes upset, negative and moody. I am in control and I get to decide the tempo of my marriage and the tempo of my household based on how I feel and how I react to certain situations. It is so important that we as women take time out for ourselves away from the kids, away from our husbands and come back whole so that we can properly pour into them.
6. No one talks about the days that you no longer want to be married
- Let's be real, this is a genuine emotion. No, it doesn't make you a horrible husband or wife when you have these thoughts, they are just that; thoughts. But, how do you push through those feelings? You remember why you said, "I do" in the first place. It's really that simple. Your marriage will not survive on simply love; it will require you to put in work every single day. It will require you to sacrifice some of yourself for the sake of this partnership. It might require some counseling, therapy or some time apart and that is okay! Society has put a stigma on therapy; but, let me tell you first hand that it works. If your marriage is something that you want to work, invest your time, invest your money and invest your energy into finding a solution for the problem. You might not need counseling but, if you do, it is okay!
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