Women on Relationships, Slef-Love & Men
First
and foremost, thank you to all the women that contributed their time
and thought into this. These women were really vulnerable and
transparent with their past mistake and experiences and I'm just really
grateful that they trusted me with it. I decided to do a female version
of my previous blog to get the female's perspective on a few topics. If
you haven't read the male version yet, here's the link https://www.lovelynnj.com/2019/03/men-on-love-masculinity-and-women.html.
One thing I've learned while writing both blogs is that we are all afraid of being hurt which causes us to miss out on the true blessings that God has waiting for us. My goal is to hopefully inspire someone who hasn't been so lucky with love; to help them realize that love never comes in a package completely ready. It's something that has to be worked on and built through every single day by two people that have the same common goals. To all the women that has gotten their hearts broken, you are not at fault and love is still very much attainable. As emotional beings, we need to be vigilant and be able to discern when an assignment [temporary people] walks into our lives. We are not meant to fix everyone, we cannot fix everyone. I received so much insight from these different women that are in different seasons of their lives. I also decided to receive insight from a few women that are a little more seasoned in marriage...continue reading to hear what they had to say.
"Someone
who can lead, not in a controlling way but simply a man who will take
on the responsibilities and know that as the man of the house he is the
leader. Women are also looking for a protector and provider. Last but
not least loyalty and respect. A man who, yes, may make mistakes because
no man is perfect. However, a man who respects you will either not put
himself in position where he will be tempted or his respect for you will
remind him that his actions will affect you." -Narlie V.
"I
believe most women are looking for consistency in a man, a lot of times
relationships start off in the "honeymoon" phase but quickly fades
away." -Raphaelle L.
"What
I think women are looking for most in a man to commit to is consistency
and stability through the good and the bad...you never really know a
person until it's bad between the two of you. When they're ready to up
and leave during this time...there goes what you had to deal with. When
they're willing to take time and work things out even though things
aren't that great that's a keeper." -Oneisha
"Wow
this hit home for me. No one (besides my best-friends) really know this
about me but I honestly feel like I'll never fall in love and I have so
many reasons why. I've been cheated on 3 times, 3 different
relationships. After, they would simply ask me, what would cause me to
never forgive them. From then honestly, that caused me to believe it
will take a lifetime to even trust anyone enough to fall in love."
-Sabrina Lynn
"What scares me the most about falling in love is being vulnerable. I believe that being in love with someone truly will require you to show and reveal parts of you you'd otherwise prefer to hide." -Raphaelle L.
"Growing
up I didn't have my father in my life so my first boyfriend was my
first example of a "man." My mind was misconstrued of what a real man
consisted of, so forgive me I was acting a fool. When I was younger,
what scared me the most was losing myself in that person and revolving
everything around them only because I've blindly fallen into that in the
past and it wasn't pretty. I didn't like who I became because in a
sense they were my life line. That is not healthy. Now what I fear most
consists of investing myself in a healthy balance and later that person
suddenly changes down the line and I suddenly get taken advantage of.
Every man I've dealt with has changed along the way right before my
eyes, so I felt all men were like this. Having been around more
successful relationships and paying more attention to the men in those
relationships I realize those men do exist, I just haven't found mine yet." -Oneisha
"To
me, it's not difficult for us to support other woman. We're supposed to
be uplifting one another, especially us black woman because we have a lot of odds against us and no one else understands us better than us.
But, sometimes, I feel like it's not that we don't support each other, a
lot of times we are just selfish and only think about ourselves. Also
we might feel insecure about ourselves, intimidated by the other woman,
think we're better than the other or we just want to only see us
winning. In reality, we need to look deep within ourselves and come
together to make this world a better place and help each other win."
-Edeline J-B.
"I believe it is difficult for women to support other women due to lack of security within self which causes comparison and competition instead of collaboration." -Luctresa J.
"I
think women sometimes think that self-love is selfish or self-centered,
hence the term “self.” Because by societal norms, women are always seen
as the caretakers/caregivers, and anything that deviates is likely to
draw criticisms. Anytime a woman is pouring more into herself or
uplifting her needs (which are elements of self-love, self-care), she is
likely to be perceived as “too self-centered.” As a result, women tend
to shy away from engaging in unapologetic self-love because of these
misplaced labels. Most of the times when we do, we tend to limit that to
a season; for instance after bad break-ups or rough patches. Self-love is a lifetime commitment to enhance your best characteristics, prioritize your needs, aspirations faithfully and respectfully, and challenge your bounds of comfortability. Self-love isn’t seasonal; it’s eternal, and women should not be judged for loving themselves without justifications." -Tachana J.
"Women are lacking confidence in their imperfections when it comes to self-love. What I mean by that is the moment we fail at something, make a mistake, or have things we don't like about ourselves, it's easy to discredit ourselves, self-pity, self-inflict, self-sabotage instead of giving ourselves room to grow, room to heal, and room to learn. Most of the time that comes from not knowing who we are and whose we are, which is The King's daughter; once that is understood then we are able to live in confidence knowing in our weakness (our imperfections), He's made strong (He's perfect)." -Luctresa J.
"Some
women fail to take the necessary time to heal and to rebuild
themselves. So, many women are eager to be touched, courted and admired,
that they forget to admire and love themselves FIRST. A
woman will easily take the time to dress themselves up for social media or a man but how many do it for themselves." -Tempest
"This one hits very close to home because I struggled with loving myself and if you look at past relationships...it showed. I think the men knew it before even approaching me. We don't learn how to love ourselves. We listen to music, we watch movies, we view other people's relationships and they all give us glimpses of how we want to be loved, but never about how to love ourselves. Women aren't the only ones that miss it, men do too. But because women are taught to give unconditional love and to be nurturing...we never get to love ourselves in the process." -Arielle
"I
believe that both love and respect are equally important in a
relationship. To me, if you don't have both then the relationship won't
work. They both go hand in hand. If the person truly love you they will respect you and vice versa." -Edeline J-B.
"Love and respect in a relationship goes hand in hand. Within, love is respect and within respect is love. To me, being respectful goes beyond not using vile languages
and displaying wild behaviors. I feel the most loved when my
perspectives, my differences, my spiritual and emotional practices, and
ambitions are respected. While sometimes it can be hard to feel or be
all lovey-dovey, but true respect is almost always felt." -Tachana J.
"Based
on my relationship; a friend, partner, a supporter, and a lover.
Friend; someone who he can talk to and someone who he can call when he
is having a bad day. Partner; Someone who can challenge him in every
aspect of his life. Supporter; someone he can count and rely on through
the good and the bad. Support his goals, motivate him to be a better
version of himself. Lover; don't be afraid to show affection to him.
-Gege J-B.
"According to me, the responsibilities of a woman in a relationship are to be his peace, supporter, nurturer, keep him happy, be his mother, sister, and best-friend. When I say to "be his mother," I don't mean trying to raise him, control him or baby him. You have to let him be a man and feel like a man. It's their responsibility to lead. You are supposed to be like his diary where he can tell you everything without judging him. Women are supposed to be the backbone, where he falls short you can pick him up again. Always motivate him to do better and be better. Don't be his headache but instead respect and love him. I always hear, "don't do wifey things if you're not his wife," but to me, how would he know you are wife material if he never sees you capable of being one. It also goes the same way for the men too. Always keep one another happy and put God first in the relationship." -Edeline J-B.
"When it comes to relationship it's vital that Christ is the center because I've learned that's where insight of your responsibilities to your mate will come from. Because we now live in a generation where our men have been emasculated in so many ways, we as women have a responsibility to cover our men through prayer, reaffirm them, and push them through support, love, and respect." -Luctresa J.
"A woman is the painter in the relationship.
She creates; she picks out colors, she mixes them properly, she knows
which brushes to use and when to use them, and ultimately she will
deliver something that captures the eyes and heart of her partner like
only her is able to. Women’s responsibilities in a relationship,
especially in the context of marriage, are all the above. She wears so
many hats. We are gifted with divine foresight which gives us great
discernment and help us to be cautious, meticulous and impactful. We are
responsible to use those gifts everyday for the benefits and growth of
our relationships." -Tachana J.
"I
learned in this most recent relationship that I had the roles and
responsibilities all twisted trying to emulate my parent's relationship.
I thought my responsibilities were to clean, have a hot meal ready, and
be a stepping stone. When my relationship was going downhill I didn't
understand because I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing "as
a woman." I feel like responsibilities are different for every
relationship. Just like how different jobs call for different
responsibilities. You cannot love everyone the same. The only responsibilities are to do more than show up and create an environment of peace.
We as women have a special gift to nurture, regardless of how
aggressive you may be. Everyone is different and the more you compare
your situation to another the more unhappy you'll be." -Arielle
"Yes,
most definitely. The negative stereotype of men not being able to
commit to one woman is literally to me, giving men an "easy way out"or a
getaway free card to step out because society says it's okay. Men can
do it, but they have to want to do it." -Narlie V.
"Yes,
I sure do. Men know when they can't find anyone like that one woman
that will make them feel a certain type of way no other can. Sometimes
it's too late and the woman doesn't want to be with them and sometimes
they just know from speaking to them."- Sabrina
"Proverbs 18:22; 'He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from The Lord.' Yes, I strongly believe a man can commit to one woman for the rest of his life." -Gege J-B.
"1. We can handle the truth. The problem is they expect us to handle the truth in a way that benefits them. We won't. 2. Emotionally we are stronger than them. Men need to understand that women aren't expected to wait until they're ready to settle down. 3. A woman can either be your blessing or your downfall." -Narlie V.
"Ahh, sooo many things lol. But few of the most important things that men to realize about women are: 1. We are probably the strongest specie on earth, and our abilities to multiply and create are unmatched. However, our strength and courage need to be cherished, not exploited. Once a man realizes that and can cultivate that effectively, you will have a Queen by your side forever.
2.
We look at records. Do not assume you deserve a certain degree of trust
and submission just because you exist. You have to show up and show out
how you can carry the responsibilities that come with trust and
submission." -Tachana J.
"I
feel like men need to realize as tough as a woman may portray herself
to be, she is as fragile as a piece of cotton candy. A woman will hold
on to so much until it's too late. So, taking the time out to understand
why she's a certain way or why she's so independent is a key part."
-Sabrina
"Honestly, in my marriage I've learned that it's okay to be vulnerable with your partner.
I always hid my feelings growing up, I always swept things under the
rug until I eventually just lashed out. With my husband, if I'm sad,
upset, or angry I've learned to just let my guard down and express those
feelings to him without feeling like a "weak" individual. Also lots and
lots of patience! It's something I never saw in my household between my
stepdad and mother growing up." -Druker C. [married, 2 years]
"The greatest lesson I've personally learned is that battles will always find a way to come, in the same ways, the pettiest way and even the bigger ways. But one thing for us to remember is the battle should never be against my spouse and me. But us against whatever the battle is. Even if it is sparked from an issue you may see in your spouse. Prayer together is truly the answer. Marriages fall apart all the time and honestly if ours is held together it's not because we're anywhere near perfect. It is simply because of the foundation of finding our solutions. I see my spouse as my partner. Partners protect and serve one another no matter what." -Laurie A. [married, 8 years]
One thing I've learned while writing both blogs is that we are all afraid of being hurt which causes us to miss out on the true blessings that God has waiting for us. My goal is to hopefully inspire someone who hasn't been so lucky with love; to help them realize that love never comes in a package completely ready. It's something that has to be worked on and built through every single day by two people that have the same common goals. To all the women that has gotten their hearts broken, you are not at fault and love is still very much attainable. As emotional beings, we need to be vigilant and be able to discern when an assignment [temporary people] walks into our lives. We are not meant to fix everyone, we cannot fix everyone. I received so much insight from these different women that are in different seasons of their lives. I also decided to receive insight from a few women that are a little more seasoned in marriage...continue reading to hear what they had to say.
What do you believe most women are looking for in a man they are looking to commit to?
"Someone
who can lead, not in a controlling way but simply a man who will take
on the responsibilities and know that as the man of the house he is the
leader. Women are also looking for a protector and provider. Last but
not least loyalty and respect. A man who, yes, may make mistakes because
no man is perfect. However, a man who respects you will either not put
himself in position where he will be tempted or his respect for you will
remind him that his actions will affect you." -Narlie V.
"I
believe most women are looking for consistency in a man, a lot of times
relationships start off in the "honeymoon" phase but quickly fades
away." -Raphaelle L. 
"What
I think women are looking for most in a man to commit to is consistency
and stability through the good and the bad...you never really know a
person until it's bad between the two of you. When they're ready to up
and leave during this time...there goes what you had to deal with. When
they're willing to take time and work things out even though things
aren't that great that's a keeper." -Oneisha What scares/scared you the most about falling in love?
"Wow
this hit home for me. No one (besides my best-friends) really know this
about me but I honestly feel like I'll never fall in love and I have so
many reasons why. I've been cheated on 3 times, 3 different
relationships. After, they would simply ask me, what would cause me to
never forgive them. From then honestly, that caused me to believe it
will take a lifetime to even trust anyone enough to fall in love."
-Sabrina Lynn 
"What scares me the most about falling in love is being vulnerable. I believe that being in love with someone truly will require you to show and reveal parts of you you'd otherwise prefer to hide." -Raphaelle L.
"Growing
up I didn't have my father in my life so my first boyfriend was my
first example of a "man." My mind was misconstrued of what a real man
consisted of, so forgive me I was acting a fool. When I was younger,
what scared me the most was losing myself in that person and revolving
everything around them only because I've blindly fallen into that in the
past and it wasn't pretty. I didn't like who I became because in a
sense they were my life line. That is not healthy. Now what I fear most
consists of investing myself in a healthy balance and later that person
suddenly changes down the line and I suddenly get taken advantage of.
Every man I've dealt with has changed along the way right before my
eyes, so I felt all men were like this. Having been around more
successful relationships and paying more attention to the men in those
relationships I realize those men do exist, I just haven't found mine yet." -Oneisha Why is it so difficult for women to support other women?
"To
me, it's not difficult for us to support other woman. We're supposed to
be uplifting one another, especially us black woman because we have a lot of odds against us and no one else understands us better than us.
But, sometimes, I feel like it's not that we don't support each other, a
lot of times we are just selfish and only think about ourselves. Also
we might feel insecure about ourselves, intimidated by the other woman,
think we're better than the other or we just want to only see us
winning. In reality, we need to look deep within ourselves and come
together to make this world a better place and help each other win."
-Edeline J-B.
"I believe it is difficult for women to support other women due to lack of security within self which causes comparison and competition instead of collaboration." -Luctresa J.
What is it about self-love that women miss, therefore are lacking?
"I
think women sometimes think that self-love is selfish or self-centered,
hence the term “self.” Because by societal norms, women are always seen
as the caretakers/caregivers, and anything that deviates is likely to
draw criticisms. Anytime a woman is pouring more into herself or
uplifting her needs (which are elements of self-love, self-care), she is
likely to be perceived as “too self-centered.” As a result, women tend
to shy away from engaging in unapologetic self-love because of these
misplaced labels. Most of the times when we do, we tend to limit that to
a season; for instance after bad break-ups or rough patches. Self-love is a lifetime commitment to enhance your best characteristics, prioritize your needs, aspirations faithfully and respectfully, and challenge your bounds of comfortability. Self-love isn’t seasonal; it’s eternal, and women should not be judged for loving themselves without justifications." -Tachana J.
"Women are lacking confidence in their imperfections when it comes to self-love. What I mean by that is the moment we fail at something, make a mistake, or have things we don't like about ourselves, it's easy to discredit ourselves, self-pity, self-inflict, self-sabotage instead of giving ourselves room to grow, room to heal, and room to learn. Most of the time that comes from not knowing who we are and whose we are, which is The King's daughter; once that is understood then we are able to live in confidence knowing in our weakness (our imperfections), He's made strong (He's perfect)." -Luctresa J.
"Some
women fail to take the necessary time to heal and to rebuild
themselves. So, many women are eager to be touched, courted and admired,
that they forget to admire and love themselves FIRST. A woman will easily take the time to dress themselves up for social media or a man but how many do it for themselves." -Tempest
"This one hits very close to home because I struggled with loving myself and if you look at past relationships...it showed. I think the men knew it before even approaching me. We don't learn how to love ourselves. We listen to music, we watch movies, we view other people's relationships and they all give us glimpses of how we want to be loved, but never about how to love ourselves. Women aren't the only ones that miss it, men do too. But because women are taught to give unconditional love and to be nurturing...we never get to love ourselves in the process." -Arielle
What do you believe is most important in a relationship, love or respect and why?
"I
believe that both love and respect are equally important in a
relationship. To me, if you don't have both then the relationship won't
work. They both go hand in hand. If the person truly love you they will respect you and vice versa." -Edeline J-B. 
"Love and respect in a relationship goes hand in hand. Within, love is respect and within respect is love. To me, being respectful goes beyond not using vile languages
and displaying wild behaviors. I feel the most loved when my
perspectives, my differences, my spiritual and emotional practices, and
ambitions are respected. While sometimes it can be hard to feel or be
all lovey-dovey, but true respect is almost always felt." -Tachana J. What, according to you, are the responsibilities of a woman in a relationship?
"Based
on my relationship; a friend, partner, a supporter, and a lover.
Friend; someone who he can talk to and someone who he can call when he
is having a bad day. Partner; Someone who can challenge him in every
aspect of his life. Supporter; someone he can count and rely on through
the good and the bad. Support his goals, motivate him to be a better
version of himself. Lover; don't be afraid to show affection to him.
-Gege J-B. 
"According to me, the responsibilities of a woman in a relationship are to be his peace, supporter, nurturer, keep him happy, be his mother, sister, and best-friend. When I say to "be his mother," I don't mean trying to raise him, control him or baby him. You have to let him be a man and feel like a man. It's their responsibility to lead. You are supposed to be like his diary where he can tell you everything without judging him. Women are supposed to be the backbone, where he falls short you can pick him up again. Always motivate him to do better and be better. Don't be his headache but instead respect and love him. I always hear, "don't do wifey things if you're not his wife," but to me, how would he know you are wife material if he never sees you capable of being one. It also goes the same way for the men too. Always keep one another happy and put God first in the relationship." -Edeline J-B.
"When it comes to relationship it's vital that Christ is the center because I've learned that's where insight of your responsibilities to your mate will come from. Because we now live in a generation where our men have been emasculated in so many ways, we as women have a responsibility to cover our men through prayer, reaffirm them, and push them through support, love, and respect." -Luctresa J.
"A woman is the painter in the relationship.
She creates; she picks out colors, she mixes them properly, she knows
which brushes to use and when to use them, and ultimately she will
deliver something that captures the eyes and heart of her partner like
only her is able to. Women’s responsibilities in a relationship,
especially in the context of marriage, are all the above. She wears so
many hats. We are gifted with divine foresight which gives us great
discernment and help us to be cautious, meticulous and impactful. We are
responsible to use those gifts everyday for the benefits and growth of
our relationships." -Tachana J.
"I
learned in this most recent relationship that I had the roles and
responsibilities all twisted trying to emulate my parent's relationship.
I thought my responsibilities were to clean, have a hot meal ready, and
be a stepping stone. When my relationship was going downhill I didn't
understand because I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing "as
a woman." I feel like responsibilities are different for every
relationship. Just like how different jobs call for different
responsibilities. You cannot love everyone the same. The only responsibilities are to do more than show up and create an environment of peace.
We as women have a special gift to nurture, regardless of how
aggressive you may be. Everyone is different and the more you compare
your situation to another the more unhappy you'll be." -Arielle Do you believe a man can commit to one woman for the rest of his life?
"Yes,
most definitely. The negative stereotype of men not being able to
commit to one woman is literally to me, giving men an "easy way out"or a
getaway free card to step out because society says it's okay. Men can
do it, but they have to want to do it." -Narlie V.
"Yes,
I sure do. Men know when they can't find anyone like that one woman
that will make them feel a certain type of way no other can. Sometimes
it's too late and the woman doesn't want to be with them and sometimes
they just know from speaking to them."- Sabrina
"Proverbs 18:22; 'He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from The Lord.' Yes, I strongly believe a man can commit to one woman for the rest of his life." -Gege J-B.
What do you believe men needs to realize about women?
"1. We can handle the truth. The problem is they expect us to handle the truth in a way that benefits them. We won't. 2. Emotionally we are stronger than them. Men need to understand that women aren't expected to wait until they're ready to settle down. 3. A woman can either be your blessing or your downfall." -Narlie V.
"Ahh, sooo many things lol. But few of the most important things that men to realize about women are: 1. We are probably the strongest specie on earth, and our abilities to multiply and create are unmatched. However, our strength and courage need to be cherished, not exploited. Once a man realizes that and can cultivate that effectively, you will have a Queen by your side forever.
2.
We look at records. Do not assume you deserve a certain degree of trust
and submission just because you exist. You have to show up and show out
how you can carry the responsibilities that come with trust and
submission." -Tachana J.
"I
feel like men need to realize as tough as a woman may portray herself
to be, she is as fragile as a piece of cotton candy. A woman will hold
on to so much until it's too late. So, taking the time out to understand
why she's a certain way or why she's so independent is a key part."
-Sabrina What is the greatest lesson you've learned in marriage that you will carry with you forever?
"The greatest lesson I've personally learned is that battles will always find a way to come, in the same ways, the pettiest way and even the bigger ways. But one thing for us to remember is the battle should never be against my spouse and me. But us against whatever the battle is. Even if it is sparked from an issue you may see in your spouse. Prayer together is truly the answer. Marriages fall apart all the time and honestly if ours is held together it's not because we're anywhere near perfect. It is simply because of the foundation of finding our solutions. I see my spouse as my partner. Partners protect and serve one another no matter what." -Laurie A. [married, 8 years]
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